Forgotten despite being............

There are times when I really wrestle with the meaning of it all. As a pastor, and I know I am not alone in this, I do occasionally question if I am really doing any lasting good. Sure, I provide some help for some who are looking for it, but wouldn't they have found that help somewhere else anyway? The people who really need help tend to be people who don't want help, and are therefore not looking for it, and so wouldn't get help if I was there or not. So sometimes it doesn't seem to matter a whole lot whether I am here or not. People will do what they will do, with or without me.

Wow, that is really depressing.


Genesis 40
"Some time later, the cupbearer and the baker of the king of Egypt offended their master, the king of Egypt. 2 Pharaoh was angry with his two officials, the chief cupbearer and the chief baker, 3 and put them in custody in the house of the captain of the guard, in the same prison where Joseph was confined. 4 The captain of the guard assigned them to Joseph, and he attended them. After they had been in custody for some time, 5 each of the two men — the cupbearer and the baker of the king of Egypt, who were being held in prison — had a dream the same night, and each dream had a meaning of its own. 6 When Joseph came to them the next morning, he saw that they were dejected. 7 So he asked Pharaoh's officials who were in custody with him in his master's house, "Why are your faces so sad today?" 8 "We both had dreams," they answered, "but there is no one to interpret them." Then Joseph said to them, "Do not interpretations belong to God? Tell me your dreams." 9 So the chief cupbearer told Joseph his dream. He said to him, "In my dream I saw a vine in front of me, 10 and on the vine were three branches. As soon as it budded, it blossomed, and its clusters ripened into grapes. 11 Pharaoh's cup was in my hand, and I took the grapes, squeezed them into Pharaoh's cup and put the cup in his hand." 12 "This is what it means," Joseph said to him. "The three branches are three days. 13 Within three days Pharaoh will lift up your head and restore you to your position, and you will put Pharaoh's cup in his hand, just as you used to do when you were his cupbearer. 14 But when all goes well with you, remember me and show me kindness; mention me to Pharaoh and get me out of this prison. 15 For I was forcibly carried off from the land of the Hebrews, and even here I have done nothing to deserve being put in a dungeon." 16 When the chief baker saw that Joseph had given a favorable interpretation, he said to Joseph, "I too had a dream: On my head were three baskets of bread.   17 In the top basket were all kinds of baked goods for Pharaoh, but the birds were eating them out of the basket on my head." 18 "This is what it means," Joseph said. "The three baskets are three days. 19 Within three days Pharaoh will lift off your head and hang you on a tree. And the birds will eat away your flesh." 20 Now the third day was Pharaoh's birthday, and he gave a feast for all his officials. He lifted up the heads of the chief cupbearer and the chief baker in the presence of his officials: 21 He restored the chief cupbearer to his position, so that he once again put the cup into Pharaoh's hand, 22 but he hanged the chief baker, just as Joseph had said to them in his interpretation. 23 The chief cupbearer, however, did not remember Joseph; he forgot him." 

Joseph was given some special gifts -- not only did he have dreams about the future that came true, he also could interpret dreams for other people. While proclaiming his dreams of supremacy to his family did not produce in them warm and fuzzy feelings and subsequently got him sold into slavery, Joseph's ability to interpret dreams does seem to help him out while he is languishing in prison. Until he is forgotten by the people he helps, that is.......

But, as Joseph will soon discover, and as I am routinely reminded, God does not forget. He does not allow His servants to slip over the brink into oblivion, or melt into the mist of obscurity, or fade in the light of brighter stars. God remembers His children, ALL of them, and He will not leave us languishing in the prison of existential despair for long.

I hope. ;)

When doing the right thing makes things worse

Sometimes, I find it incredibly hard to do the right thing. Now, don't get me wrong, in most areas of life this isn't a huge issue. But I do have areas of weakness, places in my own nature where the spiritual armor is particularly prone to weakness. I hope I am not the only in this situation.

Paul called this his "thorn in the flesh," a vivid illustration of a persistent weakness in a person that reminds them that they desperately need God's grace and mercy -- that they are not at all self-sufficient.


Genesis 39
 "Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt. Potiphar, an Egyptian who was one of Pharaoh's officials, the captain of the guard, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had taken him there. 2 The Lord was with Joseph and he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master. 3 When his master saw that the Lord was with him and that the Lord gave him success in everything he did, 4 Joseph found favor in his eyes and became his attendant. Potiphar put him in charge of his household, and he entrusted to his care everything he owned. 5 From the time he put him in charge of his household and of all that he owned, the Lord blessed the household of the Egyptian because of Joseph. The blessing of the Lord was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field. 6 So he left in Joseph's care everything he had; with Joseph in charge, he did not concern himself with anything except the food he ate. Now Joseph was well-built and handsome, 7 and after a while his master's wife took notice of Joseph and said, "Come to bed with me!" 8 But he refused. "With me in charge," he told her, "my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care. 9 No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?" 10 And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her. 11 One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. 12 She caught him by his cloak and said, "Come to bed with me!" But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house. 13 When she saw that he had left his cloak in her hand and had run out of the house, 14 she called her household servants. "Look," she said to them, "this Hebrew has been brought to us to make sport of us! He came in here to sleep with me, but I screamed. 15 When he heard me scream for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house." 16 She kept his cloak beside her until his master came home. 17 Then she told him this story: "That Hebrew slave you brought us came to me to make sport of me. 18 But as soon as I screamed for help, he left his cloak beside me and ran out of the house." 19 When his master heard the story his wife told him, saying, "This is how your slave treated me," he burned with anger. 20 Joseph's master took him and put him in prison, the place where the king's prisoners were confined. But while Joseph was there in the prison, 21 the Lord was with him; he showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden. 22 So the warden put Joseph in charge of all those held in the prison, and he was made responsible for all that was done there. 23 The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph's care, because the Lord was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did." 

Joseph is still a student in God's School for Slow Learners, but he is advancing, to be sure. A slave was very often, commonly, used for sexual pleasure by his or her masters. Joseph, reacting against this, clings to his moral and ethical upbringing and flees the scene of seduction. But sometimes doing what is right makes things seemingly worse. And Joseph is unjustly thrown into prison. As a slave with no rights at all, he could have been murdered by Potiphar, who would have had no repercussions.

When we overcome areas of weakness, by allowing God to have control of the situation and, like Joseph, fleeing from the scene of seduction, it should not surprise us sometimes that it seems initially to have made things worse. There is a spiritual battle waging all around and in us at times, and the tumult of a victory can make things seem more difficult at times. But as Joseph is about to learn, when we insist on doing what is right, even when it initially doesn't seem worth it, we find out that God is working for a bigger purpose. 

But we have to hang on and wait sometimes in order to see...........

Who's in your family tree?

The history of families and what happens to them can be a fascinating subject, particularly if one or more of them are very prominent. Often, as it happens, the descendants fail to measure up to the greatness of the people who have gone before.

Genesis 38:1-26
 "At that time, Judah left his brothers and went down to stay with a man of Adullam named Hirah. 2 There Judah met the daughter of a Canaanite man named Shua. He married her and lay with her; 3 she became pregnant and gave birth to a son, who was named Er. 4 She conceived again and gave birth to a son and named him Onan. 5 She gave birth to still another son and named him Shelah. It was at Kezib that she gave birth to him. 6 Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. 7 But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the Lord's sight; so the Lord put him to death. 8 Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother." 9 But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. 10 What he did was wicked in the Lord's sight; so he put him to death also. 11 Judah then said to his daughter-in-law Tamar, "Live as a widow in your father's house until my son Shelah grows up." For he thought, "He may die too, just like his brothers." So Tamar went to live in her father's house. 12 After a long time Judah's wife, the daughter of Shua, died. When Judah had recovered from his grief, he went up to Timnah, to the men who were shearing his sheep, and his friend Hirah the Adullamite went with him. 13 When Tamar was told, "Your father-in-law is on his way to Timnah to shear his sheep," 14 she took off her widow's clothes, covered herself with a veil to disguise herself, and then sat down at the entrance to Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah. For she saw that, though Shelah had now grown up, she had not been given to him as his wife. 15 When Judah saw her, he thought she was a prostitute, for she had covered her face. 16 Not realizing that she was his daughter-in-law, he went over to her by the roadside and said, "Come now, let me sleep with you." "And what will you give me to sleep with you?" she asked. 17 "I'll send you a young goat from my flock," he said. "Will you give me something as a pledge until you send it?" she asked. 18 He said, "What pledge should I give you?" "Your seal and its cord, and the staff in your hand," she answered. So he gave them to her and slept with her, and she became pregnant by him. 19 After she left, she took off her veil and put on her widow's clothes again. 20 Meanwhile Judah sent the young goat by his friend the Adullamite in order to get his pledge back from the woman, but he did not find her. 21 He asked the men who lived there, "Where is the shrine prostitute who was beside the road at Enaim?" "There hasn't been any shrine prostitute here," they said. 22 So he went back to Judah and said, "I didn't find her. Besides, the men who lived there said, 'There hasn't been any shrine prostitute here.'" 23 Then Judah said, "Let her keep what she has, or we will become a laughingstock. After all, I did send her this young goat, but you didn't find her." 24 About three months later Judah was told, "Your daughter-in-law Tamar is guilty of prostitution, and as a result she is now pregnant." Judah said, "Bring her out and have her burned to death!" 25 As she was being brought out, she sent a message to her father-in-law. "I am pregnant by the man who owns these," she said. And she added, "See if you recognize whose seal and cord and staff these are." 26 Judah recognized them and said, "She is more righteous than I, since I wouldn't give her to my son Shelah." And he did not sleep with her again." 
Most of Jacob's sons seemed to be rather disappointing figures, considering they were the great grandsons of Abraham, and the sons of Jacob. But they were brought up in a rivalrous household, with a father who was clearly biased in favor of Rachel's children, and obviously were seething with resentment. Judah, after he plotted with his brothers to first murder and then just sell his little brother Joseph into slavery, appears to be someone who hasn't lived up to the greatness of his family name. He marries a Canaanite woman, which he wasn't supposed to do, and both his sons were wicked and were killed by God. 

(Incidentally, for many years the Roman Catholic Church took the passage about Onan spilling his seed on the ground as Scriptural prohibition of masturbation.)

Then Judah fails to keep his family duty of providing an heir and preserving the family line. So like other women in desperate circumstances who have no other recourse, Tamar gets the job done in her own way. And in doing so, by Judah's own admission, becomes more honorable than her father-in-law.

And to think that Jesus is directly descended from such riff-raff........... ;)

God's School for Slow Learners

From the time I was about 11 until I was about 19, I was pretty much a little jerk. For various reasons, I had convinced myself I was superior to most people and so therefore treated them as such. Because I felt I had been cheated out of my due in life, I in turn tried to get what I wanted from others by any means necessary, whether through manipulation, lying, betrayal, and a very serious case of self-centeredness. I often tell people I meet today that they are lucky not to have met me as I was before I became a disciple of Jesus. It wasn't pretty.


Genesis 37:1-36
Jacob lived in the land where his father had stayed, the land of Canaan. 2 This is the account of Jacob. Joseph, a young man of seventeen, was tending the flocks with his brothers, the sons of Bilhah and the sons of Zilpah, his father's wives, and he brought their father a bad report about them. 3 Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him. 4 When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him. 5 Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him all the more. 6 He said to them, "Listen to this dream I had: 7 We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it." 8 His brothers said to him, "Do you intend to reign over us? Will you actually rule us?" And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said. 9 Then he had another dream, and he told it to his brothers. "Listen," he said, "I had another dream, and this time the sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me." 10 When he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said, "What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?" 11 His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind. 12 Now his brothers had gone to graze their father's flocks near Shechem, 13 and Israel said to Joseph, "As you know, your brothers are grazing the flocks near Shechem. Come, I am going to send you to them." "Very well," he replied. 14 So he said to him, "Go and see if all is well with your brothers and with the flocks, and bring word back to me." Then he sent him off from the Valley of Hebron. When Joseph arrived at Shechem, 15 a man found him wandering around in the fields and asked him, "What are you looking for?" 16 He replied, "I'm looking for my brothers. Can you tell me where they are grazing their flocks?" 17 "They have moved on from here," the man answered. "I heard them say, 'Let's go to Dothan.'"So Joseph went after his brothers and found them near Dothan. 18 But they saw him in the distance, and before he reached them, they plotted to kill him. 19 "Here comes that dreamer!" they said to each other. 20 "Come now, let's kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we'll see what comes of his dreams." 21 When Reuben heard this, he tried to rescue him from their hands. "Let's not take his life," he said. 22 "Don't shed any blood. Throw him into this cistern here in the desert, but don't lay a hand on him." Reuben said this to rescue him from them and take him back to his father. 
23 So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe — the richly ornamented robe he was wearing —  24 and they took him and threw him into the cistern. Now the cistern was empty; there was no water in it. 25 As they sat down to eat their meal, they looked up and saw a caravan of Ishmaelites coming from Gilead. Their camels were loaded with spices, balm and myrrh, and they were on their way to take them down to Egypt. 26 Judah said to his brothers, "What will we gain if we kill our brother and cover up his blood? 27 Come, let's sell him to the Ishmaelites and not lay our hands on him; after all, he is our brother, our own flesh and blood." His brothers agreed. 28 So when the Midianite merchants came by, his brothers pulled Joseph up out of the cistern and sold him for twenty shekels of silver to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt. 29 When Reuben returned to the cistern and saw that Joseph was not there, he tore his clothes. 30 He went back to his brothers and said, "The boy isn't there! Where can I turn now?" 31 Then they got Joseph's robe, slaughtered a goat and dipped the robe in the blood. 32 They took the ornamented robe back to their father and said, "We found this. Examine it to see whether it is your son's robe." 33 He recognized it and said, "It is my son's robe! Some ferocious animal has devoured him. Joseph has surely been torn to pieces." 34 Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. 35 All his sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. "No," he said, "in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son." So his father wept for him. 36 Meanwhile, the Midianites sold Joseph in Egypt to Potiphar, one of Pharaoh's officials, the captain of the guard."

Joseph was a little jerk too. Although it seemed like there were already a lot of problems brewing in the family due to the inevitable rivalry between Rachel and Leah and their children, Jacob favoring Joseph so obviously really got things boiling. And to top it all off: Joseph was a tattle-tale and didn't know when to keep his mouth closed, particularly when it came to his dreams. He even ticked his doting father off.

Sometimes, little jerks have to learn the hard way.

Joseph learned a long, hard lesson by being sold into slavery, tossed into prison, and being taken to a foreign land. I learned a long, hard lesson by being beaten up by a friend in front of my whole school after I fooled around with not one but TWO of his girlfriends, being ostracized and generally miserable my entire senior year of high school, and finding out that the world didn't owe me a favor after all. And the lessons kept on coming, and kept on coming, until today, when I find myself still attending God's School for Slow Learners...........

Perhaps I will see you in class today. ;)

See, He's right there...........

Do you know what a theophany is? A theophany is an appearance of God. Have you ever had one? No? Me neither. I sometimes wish I would have one though, don't you? There are times, usually during times of uncertainty, when a theophany would come in real' handy-like. Just to boost the ol' faith barometer, and show me that I am at least in the ballpark of being on the right track.

But alas, theophanies are by definition extremely rare. In fact, I could probably count on one hand the amount of theophanies recorded in the Bible, which spans about 3,000 years of history. So if the going rate for a manifestation of God is about 5 every 3,000 years, odds are I will probably not witness one in my lifetime.


Genesis 35:1-20
"Then God said to Jacob, "Go up to Bethel and settle there, and build an altar there to God, who appeared to you when you were fleeing from your brother Esau." 2 So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, "Get rid of the foreign gods you have with you, and purify yourselves and change your clothes. 3 Then come, let us go up to Bethel, where I will build an altar to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone." 4 So they gave Jacob all the foreign gods they had and the rings in their ears, and Jacob buried them under the oak at Shechem. 5 Then they set out, and the terror of God fell upon the towns all around them so that no one pursued them. 6 Jacob and all the people with him came to Luz (that is, Bethel) in the land of Canaan. 7 There he built an altar, and he called the place El Bethel, because it was there that God revealed himself to him when he was fleeing from his brother. 8 Now Deborah, Rebekah's nurse, died and was buried under the oak below Bethel. So it was named Allon Bacuth.  9 After Jacob returned from Paddan Aram, God appeared to him again and blessed him. 10 God said to him, "Your name is Jacob, but you will no longer be called Jacob; your name will be Israel." So he named him Israel. 11 And God said to him, "I am God Almighty; be fruitful and increase in number. A nation and a community of nations will come from you, and kings will come from your body. 12 The land I gave to Abraham and Isaac I also give to you, and I will give this land to your descendants after you." 13 Then God went up from him at the place where he had talked with him. 14 Jacob set up a stone pillar at the place where God had talked with him, and he poured out a drink offering on it; he also poured oil on it. 15 Jacob called the place where God had talked with him Bethel.  16 Then they moved on from Bethel. While they were still some distance from Ephrath, Rachel began to give birth and had great difficulty. 17 And as she was having great difficulty in childbirth, the midwife said to her, "Don't be afraid, for you have another son." 18 As she breathed her last — for she was dying — she named her son Ben-Oni. But his father named him Benjamin.  19 So Rachel died and was buried on the way to Ephrath (that is, Bethlehem). 20 Over her tomb Jacob set up a pillar, and to this day that pillar marks Rachel's tomb." 

What's really fascinating here is that it seems that God was willing to work with these people even though they were still fairly pagan in their religious practices, i.e. having them throw away all their foreign gods they had been carrying about. Apparently, Rachel was still pretty much a pagan when she married Jacob -- remember when she stole her family's household gods? And now Jacob/Israel commands the whole family to get rid of them.......he didn't want anything messing up his encounter with God. His second encounter with God.

Why was Jacob the recipient of at least two theophanies, when I, who could really use one right about now, don't even get one? I guess God had to really get in there and get involved, since He was building up a new people to be a beacon of His light for the world of the gentiles. Maybe God needed to make sure there was an insistent witness to His saving actions in the world.

On the other hand, I do believe I have barely missed several theophanies of God.......out of the corner of my eye. In people's lives, in their faces, in the laughter of my God-given children, in the smiles of my church family, I glimpse the barely glowing remnant of a place God was just standing. He shows Himself to me all the time through these and other people in my path, but I can be too busy looking for a theophany instead.

A baseball bat would do very nicely, I think.....

Recently, while I was working in Roseburg, my wife was volunteering at a charity auction. The event was very classy, with a lot of pretty wealthy people there to donate money to the cause. Everything went well until the end of the auction, when my wife, who is about 5 feet 1 inch tall, was propositioned by a drunken man and his wife. He proceeded to explain to her and the entire table they were sitting at what he wanted to do with my wife, while the entire table was so drunk they laughed right along. My wife, who had only stopped by to say hello, was humiliated and very upset. She had a great deal of trouble sleeping that night, and hesitantly told me about it the next day. To make matters worse, we knew this man and his wife fairly well, in fact his parents were neighbors of ours.

Genesis 34:1-29
"Now Dinah, the daughter Leah had borne to Jacob, went out to visit the women of the land. 2 When Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite, the ruler of that area, saw her, he took her and violated her. 3 His heart was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob, and he loved the girl and spoke tenderly to her. 4 And Shechem said to his father Hamor, "Get me this girl as my wife." 5 When Jacob heard that his daughter Dinah had been defiled, his sons were in the fields with his livestock; so he kept quiet about it until they came home. 6 Then Shechem's father Hamor went out to talk with Jacob. 7 Now Jacob's sons had come in from the fields as soon as they heard what had happened. They were filled with grief and fury, because Shechem had done a disgraceful thing in Israel by lying with Jacob's daughter — a thing that should not be done. 8 But Hamor said to them, "My son Shechem has his heart set on your daughter. Please give her to him as his wife. 9 Intermarry with us; give us your daughters and take our daughters for yourselves. 10 You can settle among us; the land is open to you. Live in it, trade in it, and acquire property in it." 11 Then Shechem said to Dinah's father and brothers, "Let me find favor in your eyes, and I will give you whatever you ask. 12 Make the price for the bride and the gift I am to bring as great as you like, and I'll pay whatever you ask me. Only give me the girl as my wife." 13 Because their sister Dinah had been defiled, Jacob's sons replied deceitfully as they spoke to Shechem and his father Hamor. 14 They said to them, "We can't do such a thing; we can't give our sister to a man who is not circumcised. That would be a disgrace to us. 15 We will give our consent to you on one condition only: that you become like us by circumcising all your males. 16 Then we will give you our daughters and take your daughters for ourselves. We'll settle among you and become one people with you. 17 But if you will not agree to be circumcised, we'll take our sister and go." 18 Their proposal seemed good to Hamor and his son Shechem. 19 The young man, who was the most honored of all his father's household, lost no time in doing what they said, because he was delighted with Jacob's daughter. 20 So Hamor and his son Shechem went to the gate of their city to speak to their fellow townsmen. 21 "These men are friendly toward us," they said. "Let them live in our land and trade in it; the land has plenty of room for them. We can marry their daughters and they can marry ours. 22 But the men will consent to live with us as one people only on the condition that our males be circumcised, as they themselves are. 23 Won't their livestock, their property and all their other animals become ours? So let us give our consent to them, and they will settle among us." 24 All the men who went out of the city gate agreed with Hamor and his son Shechem, and every male in the city was circumcised. 25 Three days later, while all of them were still in pain, two of Jacob's sons, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brothers, took their swords and attacked the unsuspecting city, killing every male. 26 They put Hamor and his son Shechem to the sword and took Dinah from Shechem's house and left. 27 The sons of Jacob came upon the dead bodies and looted the city where their sister had been defiled. 28 They seized their flocks and herds and donkeys and everything else of theirs in the city and out in the fields. 29 They carried off all their wealth and all their women and children, taking as plunder everything in the houses."

Jacob's family had been dishonored, in a culture that puts honor above everything else. Dinah was probably no older than a teenager, given there is no indication she had been married prior to this. This spoiled, wealthy, son of a pagan king thought he could take what he wanted from this family with no consequences. But he had greatly miscalculated the fury and cunning of their revenge.

But what does revenge really give you? It is true that for a while I thought pretty hard about doing something to this guy, who lived in our town and whom I saw fairly regularly. This drunken slob of a man, who thought propositioning a pastor's wife at a children's charity auction sounded like a lot of fun, deserves to have retribution enacted upon him by me for dishonoring her. It would be the manly thing to get in his face.

But I am a disciple of Jesus. The Crucified One. The One who was betrayed, spat upon, beaten, and murdered by His own people. His resurrection has saved me from the the death penalty of my great sinfulness. He did not enact retribution. He forgave them, saying, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." 

I can do no less, mindful of the countless betrayals I am guilty of when it comes to my relationship with Jesus. I, who deserves infinitely worse than this man who dishonored my wife will ever deserve, have been rescued and redeemed from a fate worse than death. Its not about me or my honor or my wife's honor. Its about acknowledging that I am forgiven, and so now must forgive. 

It's not so hip.........

Of all the people in the Bible, the person I identify with the most is Jacob. Jacob reminds me of myself is so many ways, but most powerfully because of the following passage.

Genesis 32:1-32
Jacob also went on his way, and the angels of God met him. 2 When Jacob saw them, he said, "This is the camp of God!" So he named that place Mahanaim.  3 Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to his brother Esau in the land of Seir, the country of Edom. 4 He instructed them: "This is what you are to say to my master Esau: 'Your servant Jacob says, I have been staying with Laban and have remained there till now. 5 I have cattle and donkeys, sheep and goats, menservants and maidservants. Now I am sending this message to my lord, that I may find favor in your eyes.'" 6 When the messengers returned to Jacob, they said, "We went to your brother Esau, and now he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him." 7 In great fear and distress Jacob divided the people who were with him into two groups, and the flocks and herds and camels as well. 8 He thought, "If Esau comes and attacks one group, the group that is left may escape." 9 Then Jacob prayed, "O God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, O Lord, who said to me, 'Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,' 10 I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. I had only my staff when I crossed this Jordan, but now I have become two groups. 11 Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children. 12 But you have said, 'I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.'" 13 He spent the night there, and from what he had with him he selected a gift for his brother Esau: 14 two hundred female goats and twenty male goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams, 15 thirty female camels with their young, forty cows and ten bulls, and twenty female donkeys and ten male donkeys. 16 He put them in the care of his servants, each herd by itself, and said to his servants, "Go ahead of me, and keep some space between the herds." 17 He instructed the one in the lead: "When my brother Esau meets you and asks, 'To whom do you belong, and where are you going, and who owns all these animals in front of you?' 18 then you are to say, 'They belong to your servant Jacob. They are a gift sent to my lord Esau, and he is coming behind us.'" 19 He also instructed the second, the third and all the others who followed the herds: "You are to say the same thing to Esau when you meet him. 20 And be sure to say, 'Your servant Jacob is coming behind us.'" For he thought, "I will pacify him with these gifts I am sending on ahead; later, when I see him, perhaps he will receive me." 21 So Jacob's gifts went on ahead of him, but he himself spent the night in the camp. 22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." 27 The man asked him, "What is your name?" "Jacob," he answered. 28 Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome." 29 Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there. 30 So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared." 31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon. 

There are some people, like my wife for instance, that seem to have an easy faith. I am not one of these people. For me, faith is a constant struggle between my earthly desire to run my life myself and my clear need to let God run my life. For long periods of time, I am willing to let God run the show. But then will come a period of time when my old self will reassert its dominance on me and I will insist on taking over again. I will wrestle with God over control of how my day goes, how I am with my family, how I connect with others, what work I do, and how productive I will be. I will wrestle with God over how I will spend my free time, what my expectations are, and where my focus will be.

I always lose these wrestling matches. But then I am always reminded of one very important fact: I am not God. When I try to run my life, it doesn't go well. In all my running around on my own, the leg I am dragging behind me should remind me of the futility of me in charge.